What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 07:07
My life is so biszare .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i do to all so called friends.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We were not on the streets..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot live in the past .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
In my experience, British people are fat, ugly and arrogant. Why is it and can it be changed?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So whats the point in blame.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
How does gut health affect mental well-being?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Put me off passion for life!!
How does it feel to be in a marriage without any love?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Comes on , in middle age.
She wouldn,t have been !
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Who then, do I blame.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He knew the spot.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I write beautiful poetry .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It was going to be , some day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I said to her
I was 9 years of age.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im still living with it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But, we were locked up after school.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is soul school!.
I was very sick at this time too.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I will be 64.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I think the readers, may guess!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I have no regrets .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We all went to grammer schools
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was seconnd youngest,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Especially a lifetime of it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She found it foreign!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was scared of men, in general
All the time i was locked up.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He resisted the act ,that day.
What did i know ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I waited trembling.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But it wasn’t much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She loved him until the end.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ive learnt so much.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Would this be the day?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was in good health!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My family never makes their pension either.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
When she asked me how she looked .
And i lived it daily.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So, i spoilt her more .
She married twice! .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I don,t even have a pension.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.